Jonathan Lee Petri - Online Memorial Website

 Jonathan's life story as told by Mommy

I would like to also introduce my little boy for whom this page is made, Jonathan Lee Petri.  Jonathan was stillborn October 3, 2005.   I found out the surprise that he was on the way around mothers day 2005.    I had that shiver of excitement, then I cried because how on earth could I take care of a baby with the madness of my kids(that thought would later haunt me).  A month later, school was out and my 7 year old challenge, Jared, was home with my 4 year old girlie girl, Janae and my 1 year old, Jonah, who had began testing the effectiveness of tantrums.  Summer was stressful and I had the how can I do this feeling a lot.  I first felt my baby move at 15 1/2 weeks.  Summer came to a close and we settled back into a less chaotic routine.  I talked to the baby a lot about what in the world I would name him/her....had to be a J name because anything else just wouldn't sound right.  I had a girl name, but kept polling people for boy names.  I narrowed it down to 2 or 3.  I had a girl name and an attic full of cute baby girl clothes so I had kind of taken to the idea that I could do this if we had a girl.  On September 1st, our ultrasound showed that we were clearly not having a girl, but a little boy who looked very healthy(I called him the Gerber baby during the ultrasound).  He even waved.  I am so thankful that I had searched for a radiology center that would let me take a little video of the ultrasound.  I  told my family and friends at work that I was going to take 1 day to cry for not having the girl I had pictured in my mind(these selfish tears will haunt me forever).  I still couldn't decide on a boy's name.  My son, Jared, told me all along he was having brother, and was not surprised in the least when I told him he was right.  Things were back to normal in september and I started to know that I could do this.  I often asked him what name he wanted to see if he kicked when I made suggestions.  I remember the day I felt the roundness of his foot and rubbed it.  I started talking to the kids about who would have what job when we got ready to go somewhere.  We called it the buddy system.    I bought him a couple of outfits and doggie slippers that would be just his and not a handmedown.  We started converting our little garage into a playroom so the current toyroom could  be a bedroom for Jonah. My babies always stay in our room with me the first year, so that is where the new baby would be.   Darren left for the gulf coast the last week of september to help after katrina hit.  One night I was sitting on the couch and the baby kicked his strongest kick so far.  I said "hey there you" and began to talk to him about how I knew everything was going to be just fine.  I told him that God must have big plans for him, that's why he was going to be a boy.  Maybe he was going to be a preacher like Billy Graham.  I told him how much I loved him and that I was sorry for the tears before(this little talk would be what I held on to later)  The day before Darren was due to come home from mississippi, I noticed the baby was quiet.  I jostled him to try to get him to move, but he didnt.  I convinced myself that that big move he had done was to get himself into a breech position and I just wasn't feeling the strong movements like before.  I was to go to work the next day, Saturday, and since I work in Labor and delivery, I thought I would just check for his heartbeat and not tell anyone that I was being paranoid. You see,  I was sure something was wrong at 9 weeks when I suddenly felt no nausea.  My friend who was one of the OB's looked with the ultrasound and everything was fine.  I like to be a low maintenance in pregnancy, so I didnt want to get everyone all worked up again.  When I could not hear his heartbeat, I went to get my doctor, who happened to be the same one as at 9 weeks. She looked and looked.  I could see his little foot resting on the placenta and moving only with the pulsation of my own heartbeat.  His heart was not beating.  He had gotten himself into a breech position, but that is not why I did not feel him.  His name was Jonathan.  I think I always knew that was his name, but was sure at that moment.  I called Darren who was on the way home from the gulf coast.  Because I was at work, I was surrounded by my friends and was hugged and loved as I waited for him.  A friend drove me home and when we arrived,  our friends from church were waiting in my driveway.  They sat with me until Darren got home.  The kids were asleep.  It was a terrible night, I was pregnant, but my baby was gone.  I had chosen to wait for induction until Darren got home.  The next morning, we had to tell Jared and Janae that their baby brother had died.  That was so  hard. Because I have taken care of people who lost their little ones, I knew how important it was to make memories.  We stopped and picked up a garden stone kit at michaels so we could  have something with his footprints that we could take with us wherever we live.  The induction took much longer than I thought.  I have a history of rapid labor, but after 10 hours, nothing had happened.    Realizing it could be tomorrow before he was born, I asked for something to make me sleep.  I took it at 10:30pm.  At 11:30, I started to feel crampy. By midnight, I was in painful labor.  No one wanted me to hurt.  I had never had an epidural before by my choice, but this time, my reasons  for not were not there.  There would be no joy following this pain.  I got the epidural and was ready to deliver within 30 minutes.  The ambien made me so sleepy.  I remember every detail, but much of it is in sound because my eyes were so heavy.   Jonathan was born at 12:28am.  He weighed 1 pound 4.8 ounces and was 12 inches long.  He would have looked like his brothers I think.  He was precious.  My friends took lots of pictures for me.  We have one of his feet that is framed.  His umbilical cord had a stricture, which could have caused his death.  I explain it as a skinny spot.  I held him. I talked to him. I sang to him.    Because of the medicine, some of those memories are blurry.  I said goodbye to him at 6am and my friend/nurse took him out of the room.  She made beautiful plaster castings of his feet that show even the tiniest wrinkles.  The last detail of his birth story is one that I am so thankful for.  Just before I left around noon, my friend asked if I wanted to see him again before I left.  My husband had gone to get the car.  I was afraid Jonathan would be cold or there would be other reminders of death.  She wrapped him in a warm blanket tightly so that all that I could see was his precious little face.  My eyes were clear now as the medicine was out of my system.  The only blur was from my own tears.  I sat on the side of my bed and rocked him and I sang Jesus loves me to him, just as I would have if he had lived to see his birthday. 

     It has now been four years since little Jonathan took Jesus' hand and slipped quietly out of this world and into eternity.  Looking back, I still feel such guilt for those selfish tears during that summer of feeling overwhelmed by life, but I have been reminded that guilt is part of grief.  I felt it was important to share the details that led to my guilt for those who visit Jonathan's page who might have a similar experience.   We must not become trapped in our guilt.  These words were helpful to me.  "The only real antidote to guilt is to find rest in the only One who can offer forgiveness and peace, who can remove the sense of guilt and replace it with gratitude for the gift God allowed us to enjoy, if ever so briefly."

Jonathan’s Life Story

by

Daddy

I remember the day that your mother told me that she was pregnant with you, I was shocked, but then again I was shocked when she told me about your brothers and sister.  It took awhile for everything to sink in, but once I began thinking about how all of us boys could meet in Myrtle Beach in the winter for a golf outing, the more I thought about how awesome it would be to have another child, especially a boy.  As your mother pointed out we began to prepare for your arrival.  This preparation began a list of to-does for your father.  One of the first projects I began was to make room for you in the house.  I turned the garage into another room and between you and I had no idea what I was doing.  This is something you will learn through the years as you look down on me and laugh as I stumble through life.  As your mother mentioned, we came up with a plan of attack on how to manage all of you rug rats.  The thought was that I would be in charge of the “A” team, which included Jared, Jonah and I, and your mother would be in charge of the other team, which included your mother, Nora J and you.  I know what your thinking, but don’t worry, I was not going to leave you over there on the other team for too long.  Once you stopped messing your pants and was able to take a fall without crying, we would have brought you over to the “A” team with the other men of the house. 

As the days grew nearer to your arrival the more excited your mother and I became.  In fact, I had completely forgotten about how shocked and disillusioned I was in the beginning after your mother told me about her pregnancy.  Sometime in September of 2005, I left town for a while to help some people in need.  At the end of the trip, your mother called and told me the horrifying news about your departure from this earth.  Once again I was shocked, but this time the shock was different.  I remember turning to a friend of mine and asking “what do I say, how do I act.”  After speeding home to be with your mother, it all became more apparent what I was supposed to do, I was to listen and provide comfort.  In the beginning, I thought the day you were born was the most difficult and heart wrenching day of my life.  While looking at your mother crying uncontrollably as she held you tightly, I just wanted that time in my life to be over.  I look back now and still shed a tear; however, I know that it was not a sad time, but a time to rejoice.  Even though we won’t ever know you as a small child or as an adult, we know that you are with God and he is providing you with more love and care than we could ever provide you.   

Now that I have told you a little about your story through daddy’s eyes, I would like to tell you a little about your family through my eyes.  First your mother, she is a very loving and warm person.  Sometimes she gets her mind set on something and when it does not go that way she becomes disappointed.  So don’t take it personal, she is upset at me all the time.  Your mother has enough love for a million babies.  Your mother is very passionate about life and always wants to ride the roller coaster rather than the merry-go-round.  She is also a very beautiful woman on the outside.  She takes very good care of all of us and I know she would have taken just as good care of you.  Next is your brother Jared, he is a little extreme about most things, but has a huge heart.  He is very bright and I think he will be extremely successful if he learns to channel his intellect for good.  Last time him and I spoke about what he wants to be when he grows up, he told me that he wanted to be a law enforcement officer, like his father.  Your sister Nora J. is an exact carbon copy of your mother.  She is beautiful and full of fire.  Nora J. loves little babies and I know she would have taken good care of you until you graduated to the “A” team.  I see Nora J. growing up to be a nurse in labor and delivery so that she may work with babies and next to your mother.  Your brother Jonah is a very laid back little boy who enjoys sports.  I haven’t figured out what his future may hold, but he loves life and I am sure he will carry that love over to whatever he does. 

Now that I have told you a little about your family it will help you better understand your life story, the noises you heard while here on earth and what you are observing when you look down on us.  One last thing Jonathan, I want you to know that everyone loves you and that we always have, even before we laid eyes on you.  By the way, I will bring a few golf clubs with me when I come to heaven, so that we can hit the ball around.  Love you Buddy.  

Daddy